Ten Best Films of 2018

2018 was a busy year over here at Panther Pictures, LLC. There weren't many published posts (at least on this blog; feel free to scroll our Instagram), but our production company accomplished a lot in 2018. Two new Shorts were released and put into Post-Production, UndercoverUp and The Fruit. We're staying busy enough to stave off the "I wish I had an Oscar" malaise.

Speaking of, the Golden Globes are coming up soon, but I have deliberately stayed away from knowing the nominees as I finish this article. So--as long as we still have time until the Globes really make whatever Panther Pictures has to say irrelevant--here are my pics for the #TenBest films of 2018. #PPLLCTenBest2018 #TenBest2018

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I've had less Daddy Issues this year than last year. But this year I've been all about the whole Midlife Crisis thing. The American movies that get to me lately aren't so much about parenting as they are about life experiences. And, you know, cars.

"See The Standard Disclaimer about my choices that I make every year."

As always, my list is my own. As subjective as everything else in this business is. Like who's in and who is out, and where the hippest french fries are sold. (Portillos, BTW.)

2018 went by like a blur. Several projects distracted me more than usual. Because of that it seemed like the movies really piled up. But I was able to figure out exactly which movies I wanted to take time out for, cross referenced with which titles would make me seem most relevant. You know, like every other critic this time of year.

The movies you should tell your friends you liked are:

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The Ballad of Buster Scruggs
The Ballad of Buster Scruggs was, as always with the Coen brothers, both disturbing, a lot of fun, and soaked in meaning. I can't recall if they've ever made a straight out Western before, though many of their past offerings, Raising Arizona, No Country for Old Men, and Hail Caesar! for example, took place in the West. The vignettes presented here were unpredictable--when you consider the story of Buster Scruggs himself--and highly entertaining. The stories of The Girl Who Got Rattled and The Meal Ticket especially came across thus, in that we became very attached to the point of view of our leading actors before the end of their tales. It's a toss-up between which of those stories I found the most....subversive (I believe that word is the least spoilery) but considering my hopes for her I would say the title goes to The Girl Who Got Rattled. It was hands down the most emotionally resonant of the tales. All Gold Canyon, based as it was on an earlier story which the Coens did not write, clearly had the happiest ending. I don't think I'd want to be a player in any of the vignettes, but I would have liked to participate in the lively stagecoach conversation of The Mortal Remains.

The combination of the Coens and Netflix is something I would definitely like to see again.

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Won't You Be My Neighbor
As a child, I watched Mister Rogers' Neighborhood religiously. As an adult, I find the Fred Rogers of Won't You Be My Neighbor to be exactly the kind of man my young mind unconsciously expected was under that sweater. Not that this was only a gab session about how great and revolutionary in the field of children's programming he was (and he was), it was mainly an emotionally resonant plea for more people in the public eye to be like him. People who genuinely want for others to be their best selves, and who live their lives trying to give their best in return. Praise Be for Fred Rogers.

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BlacKkKlansman
A striking thing about BlackkkKlansman was that while most people in the world of the film were insensitive to the point of cluelessness, few of them were actively racist. There were a lot of passive racists--almost Trader Horn-level passive racism (think King Kong, but with more patronizing and infantalizing of women. And racism)--but few truly active ones. This was the simple world of a Colorado police department--some good people, some bad people, and a whole lot of neither hot nor cold ones.

Except for the KKK. That organization was lousy with overt racists. (Someone should do something about that.) Of course, that makes them even easier to skewer, and doing so becomes a lot more fun. And even though director Spike Lee re-used his opening hook from Malcolm X, he knew just how to set the tone for what was to come. I have never seen anyone else tow the line between serious, awful, and ridiculous the way he can. It's that swing between them that the laughs usually come from. Also, I was personally touched by the depiction of Adam Driver's Jewish Cop. His line, about never really thinking deeply concerning his heritage until the events of the film, really resonated with this Alaskan Mormon.

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Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Out of all the movies made about genetically engineered dinosaurs, this was one of them. Bonus: If you like this film, you really stand out as an oddball.

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Lean on Pete
Usually when a coming-of-age story is built around an external support like an animal or event, you expect some sort of lesson or moral. Triumphant music, and a conclusion. Really good ones like The Black Stallion can do it without words or an awareness of the lessons learned. The first time I saw it, pretty much the only thing I learned from The Black Stallion was how effective luxurious photography of a horse can be. It is with subsequent viewings that the power of that film comes across. That seems to be the way most horse racing stories go actually.

And then there is Lean On Pete. The simplest way to describe it is as a coming of age story crossed with the depressing realism of what The Electric Horseman would be if the plot played out in real life. It is worth it.

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The Death of Stalin
There are certain events in history that make me believe that the only way to understand them is to see them through the lens of a cinematic eye. Just reading a history may get you inside the events, but seeing them gets you into their world. The Death of Stalin is horrible, foul, full of cursing, and makes light of an atrocity larger than the one perpetrated by Hitler. A line that Armando Iannucci, like Spike Lee, was able to walk deftly. I didn't find it funny, so much as strangely compelling. Pretty much as I imagine it was. And probably will be at the death of Putin.

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Isle of Dogs
A big belly-rub of a movie; full of red, gold, loyalty and Taiko drums. It even made me sympathetic to Yoko Ono, no small feat. Several of the dog arcs, including Duke's, were easy to predict (if I'm being honest, only in retrospect), but the characters themselves were so great that I didn't care. And I challenge any dog owner who enjoys a good scratch session with their canine to not get choked up during Young Master Atari's first introduction to his bodyguard Spots. Recommended.

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Mission Impossible: Fallout
Someday, Tom Cruise is going to kill himself making one of these films. But that is not this day. The wildly uneven MI series remains on my list because the photography and stunts are unabashedly and stubbornly and breathtakingly real, and in this day of digital superheroes that is as scarce as a Common-Sense-O-Matic in a spy movie.

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Black Panther
Marvel always seems to make its way into my list, and this year they had three offerings, but my definite favorite was Black Panther. Black Panther wasn't just a movie, It was a statement about what we want our movies to be. I have to admit, I stood in line for the first screening in my area, and you know what? It was okay. I thought it was a little slow in parts. But I was only the incidental audience. It arrived under a huge payload of expectation, and spoke to the community of viewers who where always there, but without a positive reflection of themselves in the movies. Give the people what they want, and they'll show up. It's one of those movies like 1950's No Way Out--more of a milestone for what it sets out to do as a film than for what it accomplishes as entertainment. And besides, there's nothing wrong with making a movie that reflects what people want to see, what people need to see, now and then.

It was awesome and I want to see it again and again.

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Adrift
I was all set to watch this film with a sneer. Yet another story of pretty people enduring massive hardship in a situation they pretty much caused themselves. (Nobody goes on a boat by accident, unless they are pillaged by pirates.) But in the end I was drawn in by the flashback-heavy (or was it flash-forward?) script and the theme: The people we are closest to can and do continue to affect the course of our lives, no matter where we are, or where they are. We are each other.

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Honorable Mentions:

Eighth Grade
I haven't seen it. I hear it's good. Most likely because everyone hates eighth grade.

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Bohemian Rhapsody
I haven't seen either of my Honorable Mentions. A man I trust said he liked this one. Plus, if I help raise its reputation we'll all get a bunch more Queen recordings remastered.

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And there they are. my pics for the best (American) movies of 2018.

Eric C. Player is an independently poor filmmaker, and the president of Panther Pictures, LLC. He is a father, fan, storyteller, "Picker," Car Guy* and a graduate of BYU & Chapman University film schools. His films have played in theaters all across the United States, Europe, and Asia, and movies to which he was a contributing writer or producer are available on Netflix and Amazon. He has written and produced film and video content for more than twenty years. His 2016 short, Moment of Anger, received multiple honors including Best Short and Best Director at the Road House International Short Film Festival 2016 in Santa Monica, California. Eric C. Player on Imdb.

*Meaning 1965-69 Chevrolet Corvairs. No interest in working on any others.
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Ten Best Films of 2017

With the #NationalBoardOfReview doing their own list, the time has come again for our founder, Eric Player, talk about his #TenBest favorite movies. The ol' #TenBest2017.

EDIT 2:58 PM - The National Board of Review announced their slate about an hour and a half after we published ours on this site, and it is gratifying to find that they took so much that we had to say into consideration. Where we differ will simply have to be viewed as an acknowledgement that the #NBR is, after all, only human.

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This has certainly been a year. I hear some time has passed. You know, since last year. And some stuff has happened since then. Yeah. So--

"The Best From Hollywood" will always be my broad statement to mean the American Film Industry. It is what I have been a fan of my entire life; No disrespect to the movies coming out of other nations, or the endless spider web of television production that streams in an unending wave you will never catch (go ahead, try to catch it all), but that just isn't what I study or follow. As diverse as I get is 'Movies in English,' so if you film in Germany but speak so I can hear, maybe I'll catch you.

Like usual, my list is my own. Everything in this business is, as always, subjective. Subject to who hasn't been booted out for being a wanker, mostly.

2017 wasn't a bad year; for movies, anyway. I did need to seek out about half of what I watched (legally) online this year, and half in the traditional theater. That was more about my own availability from work and personal influences, though.

Now then, in no order except what I think makes for a nice dramatic reveal, here again are the movies you should tell your friends you liked.

'I Am Not Your Negro' - "Not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be changed until it is faced." I haven't been this affected by a documentary in a long time. A powerful film that reminds you that everything that you try to put neatly in the past is still splattered all around you right in the here and now. Naturally a lot of the Civil Rights and racial tensions of 2015 onward enter into my interest in this film, and no doubt into the interests of the filmmakers in making it, but I have always had a certain fascination with the 1960s and with the Civil Rights era. And like ‘The Silmarillion,’ ‘A.I.,’ and ‘A Film Unfinished’ before it, the unfinished masterpiece aspect of this film, drew me to it.

Also, I love how the poster looks like an old 1960s nonfiction paperback.

Wind River - This film works on more levels than a Wes Anderson Establishing Shot. First off, it’s sort of a modern, Revisionist Western retelling of The Searchers, being that it is the third script in Taylor Sheridan’s trilogy about the American Frontier, and the first he has directed. Second, it is an Avengers side-story (for the casting, only). Thirdly, it is a powerful indictment of life without a cell tower nearby. Last, seriously, and most topically it is a stand-in for all the sexual assault and harassment claims that are going through business and government today, between its plotline on celluloid and the behind-the-scenes negotiations that went forward on behalf of the native tribes who funded the film to get Harvey Weinstein away from it. Also it destroyed me emotionally as a father.

Logan Lucky - So much to recommend this film. How “Ocean’s 11” might have looked if Danny Ocean had a seven year old daughter. And was robbing NASCAR. With the help of a hillbilly James Bond. While being pursued by a boxing champ FBI agent who was herself a million-dollar baby. And dagnabbit it destroyed me too as a father.

Thor Ragnarok - I’m kinda tickled that a director from a film I had on my list last year, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, is back directing a Marvel movie this year. Taika Waititi apparently got the gig on this one even before 2016 (makes sense), but I didn’t know who he was then and I’m happy to see the arc of my instincts, as it were. Thor’s exploits under Waititi remind me of 1980’s Flash Gordon, and I want to be very clear of the kind of compliment that is. DIIIIIIIVE into this raging fire. Fun is alive! It's a friend from work!

Baby Driver - Violence as music. Nice to see some of my adolescent fanboy music considered obscure and hip now. As for the violence, I would say maybe it is even a little too gory for what it is. But some folks like that sort of thing. And their requisite F-bombs, though this one made sure they only threw in just enough to get over the ‘legal limit,’ such as it is in the States, or on Kevin Spacey films. Also, I noticed the UPMs and Second Unit Directors got top billing in the end credits above anyone else. As it should be; those people did wonders in this movie.

Kong: Skull Island - A Monster Movie as Vietnam War Commentary, and that's why the helicopters kept attacking the monkey, in case you were wondering. I also loved the way the whole film played with the legend and the assumptions of the first film--because even in the 1930s the heroes were getting Kong's motivations all wrong, back then they were less immediately aware of it, however. In fact, you could say the entire film has a “USA Hubris” subtext. Men and nations are still throwing helicopters at monkeys that just want a banana and a nap.

Storks - Released last September (2016) but originally meant to come out in Feb. 2017, the same weekend as Get Out, essentially as counterprogramming to the Jordan Peele thriller. Instead, Warner Brothers, which also owned LEGO Batman, decided to go with that film. But releases early in the year being so fluid, and this being my list, I'm still counting it. It's better than any other animated theatrical release this year, yes I even liked it better than DM3, Cars3, or LEGOs Batman/Ninjago. It teaches the value of friendship, family, safe driving, and there's even a bit of magic and anti-consumerism thrown in for good measure. Also it seems pretty clear that as a dad, I am easy to reach and destroy emotionally. Do you agree? I agree.

Prevenge - A better Girl Power movie than that other 2017 release, and maybe I’m just being belligerent, because we all know the one I mean, but having 5 kids (and so seeing 5 pregnancies from the outside) and having sympathized if not empathized with 5 (and actually, with my cousins and sisters, many more) different losses of agency over the mother's body, I am picking this one instead. Though I must say, in regards to the ending, and the ultimate reveal regarding the nature of her condition: Yeah, that's something I occasionally thought to myself regarding my own significant other about her attitude/stresses, not that I'd ever say it out loud. I ain't got no death wish.

Get Out - Of all the choices on this list, it's of course been the longest since I sat down and watched this one, but what stayed with me about this movie was the way it communicated a sense of feeling completely out of place in the most ordinary of surroundings. I don't pretend to be able to relate on a racial level to the experiences of the main character, but having lived my entire life in a religious minority, one that I find outsiders alternately indifferent, hostile, or fascinated by, I could definitely relate to those elements where a day goes from ordinary to comical to uncomfortable, such as the "being paraded for the neighbors" scene.

Hostiles - I’m picking this one on faith, since it won’t be out for 3 more weeks. On the one hand, it looks like Unforgiven meets Silverado meets 3:10 to Yuma meets The Revenant. On the other, it has a Bond Girl (Rosamund Pike), a Batman (Christian Bale), guns, and hair!

Honorable Mentions:

Dunkirk - For the record, the only reason I didn't include Dunkirk on my main list was that I didn't see it in the theater, and haven't seen it yet. Both huge strikes against any man producing a personal Ten Best List, wouldn't you say? Not for lack of interest--I planned entire vacations around the release schedule of Nolan's World War 2 epic. I wanted to see it very badly, but properly. In the end, as has been mentioned, I could not swing it because, first and foremost, I'm a daddy.

The Post - The Kings and Queens of Hollywood and their teams signed on, rewrote, shot, and edited this for release in under eight months. It only misses my top ten tier for two reasons:
(1) It looks incredibly boring, and acted/edited with all the luster of a Golden Globes skit.
(2) See point #1*

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So that's it. Seriously. Those are the best movies Hollywood put out, or will, this year. 2017.

In my opinion, of course.

Eric C. Player is an independently poor filmmaker, and the president of Panther Pictures, LLC. He is a father, fan, storyteller, "Picker," and a graduate of BYU & Chapman University film schools. His films have played in theaters all across the United States, Europe, and Asia, and movies to which he was a contributing writer or producer are available on Netflix and Amazon. He has written and produced film and video content for more than twenty years. His 2016 short, Moment of Anger, received multiple honors including Best Short and Best Director at the Road House International Short Film Festival 2016 in Santa Monica, California. Eric C. Player on Imdb.

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*If any of the very powerful people who moved heaven and earth to make The Post read this, understand that I am riffing, and you DID make the list, after all. ;)

Ten Best Films of 2016

It's that time of year again. Time for every newspaper, critic, and blogger in the #FirstWorld to race to see who can influence the rest of them into copying each other's lists and saying, "I liked that movie too!" Well now:

My name is Eric C. Player, I am an award-winning Film Producer/Writer/Director. My list is here. My list is my own. (Copyright Panther Pictures, LLC.) I saw what you were squawking about, I might have even watched it in all it's pixelated Pixar or TiFF glory; but now you'll have to react to MY opinion, Mister Lady Person. I made mine first.

To start off with, I'll re-purpose some of what I say every year:

"The Best From Hollywood" will always be my broad statement to mean the American Film Industry, those folks in California (and Georgia, and Toronto) that make stories in two-hour segments. It is what I have been a fan of my entire life; No disrespect to the movies coming out of other nations, or the endless spider web of television production, but that just isn't what I study or follow. (Though 2016's list is a little broader, encompassing 'Movies in English.')

And again, remember that my list is a reflection of myself within the industry. What has resonated with THIS PERSON this year? Everything in this business is subjective. Subject to who got free screeners, mostly.

2016 was a pretty good year; for movies, anyway. As I understand it attendance has been down at your local Main Street Theater. Of course, with lower attendance comes lower prices--about 2% lower this year overall, everywhere except Regal Cinemas. Maybe they'll go down too if people continue to stay away.

So, I don't mind. I'll watch, you guys read. Here then, in no order except my own musing, are the movies you should tell your friends you liked.

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The Angry Birds Movie
Watch on Netflix Buy Now

Maybe it was because I had absolutely no expectations for this one, I mean, none. But it made it on my Ten Best of 2016 list with craft, heart, and genuine fun. The story of Red, an outcast who can't control his temper--and who also can't really see anything wrong with his temper except that everyone ELSE has a problem with it--was not just a lesson for the kids watching in how to control (and embrace) one's personality in service of society, it was also a lesson to the rest of the movie industry about how to successfully translate a brand. Plus the actors were game and the jokes genuinely funny. Watching Bomb pretend he wasn't disappointed that he couldn't hang out with Red has made my "Movie Clip" rotation.

Hell or High Water
Buy Now

Here was a movie that made me feel like I was watching a novel, if you follow me. At the same time it was a better Western than I have seen in some time. It captured the American Experience and the ethos of the frontier better than any other movie that came out this year. Its tropes are something of a standard that movies after it are going to be measured against. And like all good Westerns it came with a deadly cool standoff in the end. (And I don't mean on that ridge with all the cars.) The cherry on top was Jeff Bridges pulling out his John Wayne impression from True Grit.

The Magnificent Seven
Buy Now

It was over-long, over-violent, and a remake of two superior films. It was also a Western and a movie I watched in-theater with my son. One of the best of 2016; End of Line.

Star Trek: Beyond
Buy Now

Movies are more than the experience in the theater, even if that is what puts some of them on the list for me this year. They are a development process, from script to screen, with an army of collaborators. Yes, each individual film needs to stand on its own--no "homework" involved or the film is a failure--but they all undeniably carry the baggage of what came before, in terms of genres, cliches, franchises, actors. Everything that appears on the screen has weight. Star Trek: Beyond makes my list this year not only because it is a rip-roaring good time all on its own, but because for the first time since the series "reboot," and arguably for the first time since the original cast left the screen in Star Trek Six (or Generations, if you're into that sort of thing), the people in charge of shepherding the Star Trek Universe towards the multiplex remembered what was at the center of that universe: a family.

Hunt for the WilderPeople
Buy Now

Foster kids, rebellion, old men, a manhunt. Ricky Baker would say its like The Lord Of The Rings, but I kinda enjoyed it as though it was On Golden Pond--if Norman and his grandson had gone fishing for Walter, and just decided to stay gone (and then the police came after them). With jetpacks. And pretty girls.

Arrival
Order

The first "adult" space alien story since, what, Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Amy Adams picks quality projects. Maybe that's why she makes a great Lois Lane. She works hard, and she plays hard.

Passengers
Order

It occurs to me that I have two Chris Pine and two Chris Pratt films on this year's list. Does that say something about me, Hollywood, or their agents? Probably more about me, because I could just as easily call this one a Jennifer Lawrence film. In any case, I've been looking forward to this one all year, and while I am putting forward my ranking solely based on teasers and ComiCon clips, I think I am in safe territory predicting nominations and quality all around and, based upon all the other movies I've seen in 2016, a place on my "Ten Best" of 2016.

UPDATE 12/31/2016 - Having had the great pleasure of watching the film in its entirety, it remains firmly on the list. I've been made aware of the controversy surrounding it, and it seems to me much of that controversy misses the point of the story. Or suffers from what I like to call Alternate Writers Syndrome. It is not a fair criticism of any film to simply point out what you would have done differently. Are the characters' motivations true? Is everything resolved in a way that makes sense? Then the film succeeds, and this one succeeds beautifully.

Doctor Strange
Order

Marvel generally makes it on to my "Ten Best" list, but usually with an Avenger or somebody from outside their galaxy entirely, guarding it. This time they scored taking a character I knew best as a parody of himself on The Venture Bros., and made the world believe that Benedict Cumberbatch could . . . well okay, these days it's not so hard to believe that Benedict Cumberbatch could be anybody or do anything, but with a little tutoring from the White Witch, apparently, he can bend the world.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Order

It doesn't come out until December 18. Goin' out on a limb here: Yeah. Awesome.

UPDATE 12/31/2016 - Yeah. Awesome.

Hail Caesar!
Buy Now

This movie really divided audiences after it premiered in Berlin. I watched it in a nearly empty theater with my boy, and spent the whole screening grinning from ear to ear. James Brolin made a great studio "fixer," and maybe the entire movie was just an excuse for the Coens to send their cameras from Classic Hollywood Moment to Classic Hollywood Moment, but I still maintain that the entire 107-odd minutes is worthwhile for George Clooney's Danny Kaye Back-Shaving Speech 71 minutes in.

Honorable Mentions:

Deepwater Horizon
Order

Mark Wahlberg and Peter Berg make us feel hot, wet, and sad for the men who were trapped on the oil platform in the Gulf in 2010.

The Journey Within
Trailer

A documentary--my first in the time I have spent recommending films at the end of the year--about a music show in Pakistan and what it means for the people involved. An unforgettable visual and aural delight that must be experienced to be understood.

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So that's it. Seriously. Those are the best movies Hollywood put out, or will, this year. 2016.

In my opinion, of course.

Eric C. Player is the president of Panther Pictures, LLC. He is a father, fan, storyteller, "Picker," & graduate of BYU & Chapman University film schools. His feature films and shorts have played in theaters all across the United States and worldwide. He has written and produced film and video content for twenty years. His latest short, "Moment of Anger," received multiple honors including Best short and Best Director at the Road House International Short Film Festival 2016 in Santa Monica, California. Eric C. Player on Imdb.

In Response To "John Cleese" And The Revocation Of Independence

SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. — Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

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The preceding was written in 2001 as a joke regarding the 2000 election, and copy and pasted from a Snopes article originally published in 2003. The "John Cleese" call to revoke American Independence that it responds to was written a year prior and not in fact written by him.

The Revocation article has been circulating in reference to the 2016 election. And so I provide the response here.

Writing Exercise: The Fruit

"Go ahead, Ted. Do it."

Ted Wilson stood looking down at the basket of fruit at the counter of the Gulp'n Go. He didn't particularly like fruit. And most of it in the basket looked like it was about three days too old. The bananas especially looked as though they had been resigned to showing up in a bread recipe about 48 hours ago. Really, all he'd come in for was the candy bar.

But as much as he was disinterested in the fruit, he was more interested in annoying the Blaarg. The Blaarg behind him was making that "trilling" sound they all made. It was waiting its turn, but it really seemed like it wanted the fruit. Ted hated Blaargs. Was it hate? No maybe not hate, he just didn't trust them. Ever since they showed up in those goldish silvery tube things promising peace and prosperity to the people of Earth, he'd just never had a really productive or satisfying day. This is peace? Nothing has ever fit the same--these alternative-fabric-renewable-cotton-what-the-heck-whatevers that they call clothing now . . . Margot says it's in his mind but they itch, and all the fasteners are in the wrong places!

The little voice in his head spoke again: "So just Do it, Ted. Go on."

The girl behind the counter was a little impatient: "Just the candy? Is this all for you?"

Ted decided to go for it.
"No, I'd like the fruit, please."
"Which ones?"
"All of them."

The Blaarg behind him made a sound like a cat with a bag over its head having its tail squeezed. He was right. It wanted the fruit. Somehow, knowing a Blaarg would be disappointed in this way made Ted Wilson feel extremely satisfied. He was tired of caring what they thought and when he got home he would tell Margot exactly that.

Ted paid for his fruit and his candy bar and left the Gulp'n Go. Outside, his motorcade was waiting. As was Bob, who was ALWAYS waiting and watching.

"Did you find what you needed, Mr. President?"

"And more, Bob. Thanks for the detour. Sorry for the delay--ggaahh.."

President Wilson's final words were choked in his throat by the Blaarg, a bulbous, tentacled species who communicate through a series of whoopee-cushion-like muscle contractions. This one no longer felt like talking.

The Blaarg fleet was also about 17 1/2 times larger than they claimed when they arrived. With much more advanced weapon systems than originally thought. The people of Earth would spend the next 27 years dealing with these revelations, until an alliance with the Gruuun finally ended the Blaarg War.

The Gruuun did not eat fruit.

That's Not A Bad Sandwich, DaveNotDave - The Long Germination of a Short Film

“Moment of Anger” is meant to be a tale about a man forgetting what is good in life, and life itself helping him remember. The process of creating the movie was in turn a “remembering.” We each of us found what was best in our talents and put them on the screen. This is the story.

All of my film ideas percolate for a long time, before pouring out of me in a rush, like a cook leaping to take care of a stove that is boiling over. The first germ of “Moment of Anger” starts in 2005, with my divorce. Not that I would have recognized that at the time. I had absolutely no self-awareness that there was anything about myself that would make me hard to live with. All I knew was that I had been hurt and I couldn’t understand why someone would be so cruel. You know, to me.

Flash forward ten years, and I am married again to another fantastic woman. (How do I attract these Mighty Aphrodite? All I know is it must be what Opus the Penguin once described as the “Billy Joel/Christie Brinkley Syndrome.”) I am only slightly less self-aware of my personal faults than I was then, which means a lot of frustration for the people who love me. But ten years also means that the screenwriting degree from BYU I held in 2005 has been PHD’d (Piled Higher & Deeper) with a Film & Television Producing degree from Chapman. So while I may not be (I may never) fully equipped to engage in an emotional relationship, I am completely qualified to entertain the masses about my shortcomings!

It was around Valentine’s Day 2015 (ah, romance) that I determined my hands had been idle long enough and it was time for me to make another feature film. In my film career, which I chart starting in 1995 with my first semester at BYU, I have been involved with 2 features that have made it all the way to theaters. At Chapman, I had been engaged in the production of several short films as well, but the features, the big projects, have always been the ones that excited me, so I said, “I want to do that again.” I spent the next year reminding myself why my 21 years in the business working for myself have resulted in a grand total of 2 features: Wow, it’s HARD. My first was a coattail kind of thing, anyway. And my second almost never saw the light of day. 2016, and that third one is still a script, a dream, and a Facebook page, but it will come.

I told you about that project because it, too, led to “Moment of Anger.” It was in the face of another schedule stall, yet another pushing back of the goal post, that I was contacted by an actor friend who wanted to know if I could help him “put something together for his reel.” He was thinking of some mock commercials. Stuff that could be done quick, without renting a lot of equipment, just whatever was on hand. He had an idea or two, and he asked me to improv some for him. That sounded super . . . super. But he was a longtime friend and I honestly had the time, so we set a date. Then as I started to gather the crew for THAT shoot, I stood in the shower and asked myself: Given the opportunity of working with one of the best actors I knew (seriously, Gary, you’re awesome) and doing whatever I wanted . . . was this what I wanted to do? If not, what did I want to do? What was my story, and where did I want to tell it?

Porterville, CA, is, and used to be widely known as, the “Gateway to the Sequoias.” There is an old motel here in town of the kind they sing about in the movie “Cars.” Long ago but not so very long ago the Palm Tree Inn was known as the Paul Bunyan--complete with statute of the Legend Himself and Babe the Blue Ox--it was a bustling tourist stop, restaurant, bar, and dance hall. Today, it is thriving on business of a different sort. (Seriously, a week after we shot our movie the place was raided.) The subtext for great potential squandered . . . well, it couldn’t be LESS of a subtext, it is so RIGHT THERE. That was where to set the story. The story of a man who takes a wrong turn in his life. A man who has gotten in his own way, and could lose everything if he doesn’t face up to it. Will he? Or will he run away?

There is a lot of me and my experience in “Moment of Anger,” because I have more than once stormed out of the presence of people who love me, unable to say how I feel and unwilling to strike out physically; I could never be that guy. Of course, being adverse to the bad side of things sometimes means you’re not very good at the positive side, and so I am either too clingy or inarticulate with the people who matter--much like Dave, in “Moment of Anger,” who screams, leaves, and then instead of returning and apologizing goes off and gambles with a stranger, losing his sandwich. And as that plot swirled in my head, bizarrely, I began to hear the haunting lyrics of Dolli Grace mixed with the upbeat sound of Cordwood.

And so I stepped out of the shower and contacted Gary. By the time I proposed the idea to him it was almost fully formed: A man who storms out on his woman, but then has a very bad day, culminating with being trapped by drug dealers. He has this day because she had been the best thing in his life, and after 5-10 (my timeline is unspecific) years with her he is unable to really handle his life without her. People are only happy in pairs. (“Enchanted April,” 1991).

Gary was on board almost immediately, as was the rest of the pre-production crew I had originally begun to form for the “commercials project.” My co-producers Kanarose (my producing partner on literally everything over the last ten years) and Matthew (new to my usual team, but fantastic) helped immensely by being interested in the story and offering their own takes on the material. Kanarose has always been great for bringing up things that need to be done in pre-production that I usually forget, and always pointing out where I’m being stupid or boring. Matthew would contact me at random times with story ideas, good ones, some that made it to the screen.

Our main snags were 2 things: I wanted a professional cinematographer, I knew I didn’t want to shoot it myself. And we had to shoot the entire script in one day. I am a screenwriter, a producer, and a sometime director. I am also and mostly a dad, and one day in March 2016 was all I had for this one. As it happened the schedule constraints affected the search for a cine. Initially, a friend of mine whom I’d worked with on several projects was on board, then he called and said he was having Oral Surgery the day of the shoot. After an intense search (I believe I talked with a dozen different DPs) I had the good fortune of stumbling across the work of Adrian Sierkowski. And not just the work, but the man.

Adrian was a joy to work with because HE found the work to be a joy. He has filmed on all sorts of cameras from Big Budget to Garage Band (for lack of a better term) and what mattered to him was getting the most out of what he had--as opposed to some DPs where all they seem to want is to “get the most” (as in toys). Even so, our original DP still provided a great light package on top of what Adrian brought to the table, so I really believe that our production was able to look 100x more expensive than it really was. Good DPs matter.

So, that second problem: a one day shoot. How do you make that work? Well, after securing the locations, the #1 way to keep on point with that is a good Assistant Director. Personally, I always think women make the best ADs, particularly 1ADs. You may not believe this, but a strong woman commands attention, and everyone listens to her. I spoke to a couple of women in the run up to March, some that I had worked with before, but nothing was gelling. So we were very, very fortunate to have the schedule open up for one of the best in the business in this regard, Sharmane Franklin Johnson. Sharmane kept us on point, on time, and while we originally worried that our shoot would run overtime, working with me in the Director’s chair and her as my co-pilot on set, she had us wrapped 2 hours early.

I can’t end this without saying something about my lead actors. First of all, Gary Klavans, my star and the spark for the project, was a trooper and true professional. Everything he did was practically without me telling him. “Let’s do that again” meant more to Gary than a straight repeat, and he always found ways to give me exactly what I asked for in every take, making every one seamless, but at the same time there were subtle differences that would allow me to change entire tones if I re-arranged what he had done in the editing room. He is like the Algebra Actor.

Stefanie Halstead did so much with so little, I am humbled. When I cast her, I told her, “You speak hardly at all, but you are the center of this film. You have all the power here. His reaction to you. Whether he will go back to you. Whether you will TAKE him back. It is all you.” She really played with that. It is all up there on her face.

Bruce Allen Green was having so much fun. In life, he is a retired substance abuse counselor, and he channeled some of that experience back to his character--with, you can see, a bit of a wink at the screen. The production really rested on his shoulders, and not just as a character. At one point, we lost a location HALF AN HOUR before we were supposed to film there. Instead of taking his lunch break, Bruce was on the phone, and by the time we were ready to shoot we had a place to shoot in, and better than the old location.

I could go on, even about my support actors, but you need to go. (Have a sandwich.)

“Moment of Anger.” A Film by Eric C. Player. A love letter to life, marriage, frustration, commitment, and sandwiches. Enjoy.